Like anyone who's lived 60 years I've had my share of success and failure. One area where I failed consistently was marriage. Here's my perspective on how I screwed up. As a "boomer" I hit my sexual stride in the 1960's (after birth control--way before Aids). I was like a kid in a candy store with a free pass--unlimited opportunities--no reason to make any commitment. So I dated lots of girls/women never feeling any reason to settle down--there were too many choices. I probably dated several potential mates that would have been a better choice than the 2 women I did marry. By better choice I mean someone I could have stayed connected to for a life time.
I met my first wife in 1973 at a company softball game. Her name was/is Pam Riccio and the night I met her I ended up in bed with somebody else. That's how the relationships were for me--connect with someone, get a phone number, disconnect, wind up with someone else, follow up, date 2, 3, 4 people, be non-committal, lose them, find others, etc etc. I was also not any good at breaking up--once things got tense I would just distance myself until she/they disappeared.
I dated Pam and several other women almost 3 years. Then I was transferred to Los Angeles in 1976. I cared deeply about Pam, but I wanted to live the LA experience. The LA experience for me was going there on a business trip a few years before and getting laid by 3 different women in 5 days. So I moved to LA and found almost every woman I dated was sexually available but pretty shallow compared to Pam and others I had dated.
I invited Pam to visit me in California, things went well, and I proposed. Pam was athletic, loved the same activities I did and seemed ready to start a life with me. But once the honeymoon was over, she encountered job problems, missed NJ, etc. I did my best to reach out, but I was the typical guy--tell me what the problem is and I'll tell you how to fix it--without realizing she didn't want me to solve the problem--she wanted me to "listen". We moved to Connecticut in 1978 because she wanted to be closer to her family--and it was a good promotion for me, but once there all she talked about was how much she missed California. Sex between us just disappeared (both of us wound up getting it through affairs) but we hung together until 1981 when she moved back to California for a job. The reality was she was attracted to someone out there and I had an affair going so it was fairly easy to get divorced. Just like my previous relationships.
My second wife was an affair I started in Connecticut as Pam was leaving. Back then I prided myself as a person who didn't make the same mistake twice. But I got involved with someone who had the same qualities as Pam. We got married and managed to last 7 years but it was the the same thing all over again. Only difference was this time I was completely faithful while she had multiple affairs. Bottom line for me was I married almost the exact same personality twice--and reacted the same way when issues arose. I tried a lot harder to keep the marriage together during those issues, but finally decided she wasn't worth the effort.
So I've been divorced over 16 years. I've had no contact with my second wife, but talk to Pam a few times a year. We both admit we didn't give our relationship a full effort. If I could turn back the clock I would have worked much harder to preserve that marriage--after all it was the first time I pledged "until death us due part". But I doubt that Pam or anyone could tolerate me. I'm a hard person for any woman to get super close to--I have lots of friends, but still wonder if I can ever forge a long term relationship with a woman.
The other day I called Pam. We had exchanged messages a few times but had not talked in a while. That day (November 28) would have been our 30th wedding anniversary. We have become comrades over the phone, but right now we both seem too caught up in doing what we each want or have to do in our own lives to have much of a chance to really connect with anyone on a long term relationship.
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