Back to the Future--Marriage

Like anyone who's lived 60 years I've had my share of success and failure. One area where I failed consistently was marriage. Here's my perspective on how I screwed up. As a "boomer" I hit my sexual stride in the 1960's (after birth control--way before Aids). I was like a kid in a candy store with a free pass--unlimited opportunities--no reason to make any commitment. So I dated lots of girls/women never feeling any reason to settle down--there were too many choices. I probably dated several potential mates that would have been a better choice than the 2 women I did marry. By better choice I mean someone I could have stayed connected to for a life time.

I met my first wife in 1973 at a company softball game. Her name was/is Pam Riccio and the night I met her I ended up in bed with somebody else. That's how the relationships were for me--connect with someone, get a phone number, disconnect, wind up with someone else, follow up, date 2, 3, 4 people, be non-committal, lose them, find others, etc etc. I was also not any good at breaking up--once things got tense I would just distance myself until she/they disappeared.

I dated Pam and several other women almost 3 years. Then I was transferred to Los Angeles in 1976. I cared deeply about Pam, but I wanted to live the LA experience. The LA experience for me was going there on a business trip a few years before and getting laid by 3 different women in 5 days. So I moved to LA and found almost every woman I dated was sexually available but pretty shallow compared to Pam and others I had dated.

I invited Pam to visit me in California, things went well, and I proposed. Pam was athletic, loved the same activities I did and seemed ready to start a life with me. But once the honeymoon was over, she encountered job problems, missed NJ, etc. I did my best to reach out, but I was the typical guy--tell me what the problem is and I'll tell you how to fix it--without realizing she didn't want me to solve the problem--she wanted me to "listen". We moved to Connecticut in 1978 because she wanted to be closer to her family--and it was a good promotion for me, but once there all she talked about was how much she missed California. Sex between us just disappeared (both of us wound up getting it through affairs) but we hung together until 1981 when she moved back to California for a job. The reality was she was attracted to someone out there and I had an affair going so it was fairly easy to get divorced. Just like my previous relationships.

My second wife was an affair I started in Connecticut as Pam was leaving. Back then I prided myself as a person who didn't make the same mistake twice. But I got involved with someone who had the same qualities as Pam. We got married and managed to last 7 years but it was the the same thing all over again. Only difference was this time I was completely faithful while she had multiple affairs. Bottom line for me was I married almost the exact same personality twice--and reacted the same way when issues arose. I tried a lot harder to keep the marriage together during those issues, but finally decided she wasn't worth the effort.

So I've been divorced over 16 years. I've had no contact with my second wife, but talk to Pam a few times a year. We both admit we didn't give our relationship a full effort. If I could turn back the clock I would have worked much harder to preserve that marriage--after all it was the first time I pledged "until death us due part". But I doubt that Pam or anyone could tolerate me. I'm a hard person for any woman to get super close to--I have lots of friends, but still wonder if I can ever forge a long term relationship with a woman.

The other day I called Pam. We had exchanged messages a few times but had not talked in a while. That day (November 28) would have been our 30th wedding anniversary. We have become comrades over the phone, but right now we both seem too caught up in doing what we each want or have to do in our own lives to have much of a chance to really connect with anyone on a long term relationship.

Iraq--Updated Opinion

Over a year ago I offered my opinion on Iraq and referenced an article in the Wall Street Journal. Now the quagmire seems deeper than ever. When I re-read last year's article it sounds very rah-rah and too optimistic.

We still haven't done what I believe we should have done last year--set clear objectives and
benchmarks, and get out of there. I'm unhappy that our leaders are still struggling with this. I'm not an expert--but here are my observations:

1. Our leaders wrestle with the same issue that existed 3 years ago: How does a western culture understand how all the sub cultures over there think compared to us? The more we try to instill a democracy, the more resentment we create towards America
2. Our leaders comprare the war against terrorists to enemies we faced WW I & II. Terrorists are splintered--many times divided among themselves so they are not an evil empire or the axis. They are cells which need to be dealt with on a micro basis, not a macro basis. We should deal with terrorists like Israel did at those involved in the Munich Olympics. Most every one who masterminded Munich were dead 1 year after the attack. Look how long it's taken us to respond to attacks against us.
3. So far we've spent $600 billion in Iraq. That's $20,000 for every person in Iraq. What might have happened if we handed every Iraq citizen half that amount? We probably could have turned Saddam into a westerner for a lot less. What's the per capita cost for each American? Answer: $2,000/person. And not measurable to the families of the 3,000 who have given the ultimate sacrafice. What would have happened if we offered $10 million to each US citizen willing to go and stay until there was stabilility? We could have sent a lot more people and still have money to back them up. Any way you look at it, war is more efficient if the folks waging it are motivated.
4. Military action to resolve issues like the ones we face in Iraq almost never the right answer. Military action works when someone threatens our boundaries. Pearl Harbor is a prime example--but look at how many lives were sacraficed to acheive victory.
5. We need strategies that turn over authority to local governments officials then withdraw--at least military wise. We can't eliminate terrorists by occupying the middle east, and neither can we control or protect our perceived dependence on their oil.

Shane/Connections

Today Jack Palance died. He played a gun fighter in the movie Shane. Palance was the last surviving actor from that movie. Shane is one of my favorites for many reasons: cinematography, plot, etc. But my fondest memory was going to see this movie with my father. He took me to many movies in the 1950's, Ben Hur, The 10 Commandments, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Giant, and others. It was one of those rituals I thoroughly enjoyed.

But of all the movies I went to with my father, Shane stuck with me. Almost anytime I see it's on TV I watch whenever possible. I can outline the plot and scenes from memory. My father died in 1962. Then the actors from the movie began departing: Alan Ladd in 1964, Van Heflin in 1971, Brandon de Wilde in 1972, Jean Arthur in 1991 and director George Stevens in 1975, over the years everyone except Jack Palance. As long as he was around I felt a connection to my past, and my father. So another connection is gone.

But at least one more remains. During a recent visit with my cousin Chris and brother Mark, I discovered that a first cousin of my father lives in Enterprise Al. Her name is Isabel Byers and she lived with my father and grand parents for 10 years (1918-1928). Since I know virtually nothing about that period of my father's (and grand parent's) lives I need to visit with her. Since she is only 230 miles away and is 92 I'd better not wait too long.

The Anti-Incumbent Vote

I just voted and for the first time ever I did not vote for a single incumbent. I spent extra time writing my name in for every position held by an incumbent running unopposed--and there were a lot on my ballot. In races where there were choices I usually voted libertarian if there was one. Otherwise my attitude is "it's time for a change!"

Why not run for elected office myself? Political campaigning is a nasty, expensive negative campaign. The only thing worse would be dealing with the political machinations dealing making earmarking and pork barreling that goes on between elected officials. Besides I want less government in my life, not more.

But I resolve to spend even more time focused on what my local elected officials are doing on a day-today-basis, because that's where most of us fall down as citizens. We worry about and debate the big picture--which we can't do much to change--and don't spend enough time following the local things that affect us.

Last week I discovered the city of Atlanta had embarked on a "traffic calming" project on 3 roads in the Garden Hills area. This is an expensive construction project to slow down speeding cars, but it accomplishes this in part by taking away space for cyclists. It happened because the residents were focused and insistent along with the fact no one else paid any attention.

Citizens can have an effect on things like this only if they remain vigilant about local government.